These Are Our Adventures

How I Spent My Christmas Vacation or Squeezing Blood from a Genetic Freak

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I had my first appointment with a local doctor to get an assortment of blood tests ran per the request of McScreamy.   This would be the first time I had set foot inside a family doctor’s office in years.   I get all the regular pokes and prods, but I’m constantly worried about needles.  The list of tests McScreamy wants ran is like a mile long so I imagine that my arm’s going to be stuck somewhere around 9 bajillion times.

“You know, if you guys are out of needles, I really won’t be upset,” I reassure the nurse, trying not to give away my phobia of needles.  “I can always come back another time.”

“I don’t think that’ll be a problem,” she replies, and I swear I can see the bloodlust in her eyes.

The doctor comes in and she’s really cool.  Like Fonzie cool.   She explains the tests in greater detail and without all the screaming.   There’ll be regular blood screens, a cystic fibrosis screening, and some on depth looks at my generic code.  A cornucopia of tests, if you will.

“You know, you can have irregularities in your genes and still look normal,” Fonz shares.  Finally, a medical opinion that I am normal looking-ish!

This test is to find if there’s something deep down that might be messing with seed quality, if ya know what I mean.   Makes me feel like an X-Man whose power is producing freakishly unviable sperm.  Like Steve.

After giving up on them being out of needles, I man up and ask Dr. Fonz exactly how many times I’m going to end up getting poked with a needle.  She assures me that there’ll only be the one sticking.

She leaves to send the nurse back and I’m a little relieved.  Once.  Whew!   I can do this!

Enter the nurse again, carrying two trays filled with vials of all different sizes like she just came from Willy Wonka’s medical supply cabinet.

I eye her suspiciously as she says, “OK, if you can roll up your sleeve for me? We’re going to be taking nine blood samples.”

NINE?!  But Fonzarelli said….

Oh, yeah.  There’s only one needle.  They just change out vials.

Well played, Fonz.  Well played.

So I stare at the door as if penguins are jumping through it and Nurse Bloodthirsty asks if I’ve eaten anything.

Nope.  Nothing.  Sweet!  I’m gonna be all woozy after this bloodletting!

Alas, all that blood and no hallucinations to show for it.   No cookie either, by the way.

Over the next few weeks, my results slowly trickle in.   Slightly high cholesterol (“cut down on red meat,” the nurse says over the phone after I just finished a plate of barbecue), no cystic fibrosis, and just negative on my DNA stuff.  And no answers!

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Written by jovid52

January 24, 2011 at 9:05 pm

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