These Are Our Adventures

It’s Been A While, Baby…

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I’m not sure if anyone noticed, but it’s been a little while without any updates about baby stuff.

The baby thing fell into a holding pattern of sorts.  Things have been busy. Holidays and school break.  A new year and new schedules.  But, more than that, we were experiencing a weariness.  Weary of a monthly pattern of hope and letdown.  Stress, futility, confusion, and sadness began to creep back into the process and the day to day.  So, in an effort not to just throw in the towel for good, we kind of set it aside for a little bit instead.

It’s too easy to let all the negative emotions replace my focus.  It’s really alarming how easy it could.  I’m hardwired to look at the lack of results as a reflection on my abilities.  Before I realize it, I could be praying for this baby more out of the desire for one than to get closer to God.   Am I praying to seek a baby and not to seek the Father?  Searching for the religion in the process?  Maybe I didn’t pray right.  Maybe this month I didn’t do enough good things.  I didn’t have enough patience in one area, so no baby for me!

We needed to clear our heads and hearts.  I still need to daily.  Hope and faith are already a struggle enough for me without throwing all of the above yuckiness into the mixing bowl.  At any rate, we’ve picked up the towel again.  We’re holding off the multiple deposit situation and seeking out yet another doctor.  This doctor was recommended by many wonderful people who are very special to us.  That makes it hard for me to admit that it also seems like the strangest avenue for my fertility issues.  But, after everything we’ve been told, I can’t say I’m not immensely curious and anticipating this appointment.  It’s still a month away, but as evidenced by our holding pattern, time flies.

And we are becoming expert “waiters.”

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Written by jovid52

April 3, 2011 at 8:56 pm

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